"Yo EMT, you like your job?"

So this evening as the night began, I was waiting outside of KFC for my partner to load up on fried chicken. A local gentleman walked past and shouted, "Yo EMT, you like your job?" In all honesty I was thrilled that the guy referred to me as an EMT and not ambulance driver. Then again, he was just able to read the patch on my shoulder. My reply was "Would you like to be doing this?" The man just laughed and kept on walking. 

But then I began to ponder. Was he asking a serious question or was he just another asshole who felt like he had something important to say? He more than likely had nothing important to say and was just looking to be heard as most people. These are the same people who think it's funny to jump out in the road and flag you down just to see if you'll stop. Lately for these people I've been stopping and getting out to ask them what their emergency is. They immediately clam up with fear and admit that they were "joking" around. I give them the ol', "how would you feel if we were going to help your grandma, and we had to stop because you were joking around?" I walk back to my truck trying not to think of my non stop back pain and carry on with my night. 

But back to the point. Can I say that I enjoy my job? It's a hard thing to answer. Let's weigh out our pros and cons here.

Pros....pros...pros...hmm quite a question. There are the typical douchey answers of, "helping other people", and "I enjoy saving lives". Those are all well and good and if you jump on a truck and help your neighbors out one night a week, I can give you that one. There are certainly some pros to the job. You certainly gain a feeling of teamwork. You also grow a great appreciation for being a member of something bigger. 

I can honestly say that any of the people I work with on my team would lay their lives down on the line for one another. Other teams and the daytime tour, I certainly don't think so. But I know that the team that I work on would. When the shit hits the fan we all seem to put our differences aside. 

You see things that will change your way of thinking. After seeing multiple people who have gotten killed on motorcycles the idea of buying one quickly went out the window for me. Perhaps you see an innocent life become lost. Maybe you have to turn and tell the parents that unfortunately you did everything you could, or even worse, that it was too late to do anything at all. You may even get a chance to see the life of a person you know, end suddenly in front of you. 

It sinks in and runs deep, but you become numb to it after a while. People then say that you're insensitive and that you don't care, but it's how we survive. If we were to grow attached and take it personally, then we will never survive in this field. 

You get to see the world in a way that no normal person would never have the opportunity to see it. You get to see the hard and fast, the cruel and unusual, and more important the real life. You learn that the world is not a fair place. Bad things happen to good people, bad guys get away, and feelings will get hurt. But most of all is that you learn. I put emphasis on the word learn. You have a front row seat to the greatest show on earth. 

Now alternatively there are some cons to the job. But they make you certainly appreciate the things you do have. People that you come in contact with are mean and nasty. The places you go into are run down and broken up. The hallways are covered in urine and feces, and there are roaches everywhere. The elevators never seem to work, and the stairs aren't safe to look at never the less safe to walk or carry someone on. 

The hours are long and the food is shit. Most people get to go to work and they have a climate controlled office or they have a nice chair to sit in. Hell they get a lunch break. I couldn't imagine a job that I get a break. Here you are lucky if you get enough downtime to make your way over to the food place that makes a hot meal before they close. More often than not you are going to get a call someone near the place and you won't get your food. 

What this leaves you to do is improvise. Many emts and paramedics know how to make a meal out of random "food" that is found at your local 7/11. If you're really lucky you are blessed with a wawa in your jurisdiction. To those people, you are living like a king. 

The other side of this card you have the dashboard cookers, which is something that I am planning on writing a cook book for. Every vehicle has a defroster, but the wise can use it to their advantage. Tonight I am heating up turkey chili in my Tupperware bowl. Hopefully by the time I get a break, it will be lukewarm and semi-edible. More recipes will follow and before you can all mark my words. I'll be the next Paula Dean. 

This job forces you to grow up. You aren't able to get by with your nonsense, simply because you know that someone is going to smack you down. Either your partner, your team, the senior person on your team, or a boss. Someone will straighten your ass out or you will be out the door. If you can't straighten your ass out, people will make your life hell until you go. 

You lose out in trips and vacations. The ones you do maybe get to take, more than likely ate up all of your vacation time and took you a year to save up the money to go. For this I recommend the all inclusive. The booze alone are worth every penny of these trips. You will miss Christmas and birthdays but we all have to at some point in time. 

You are going to get hurt. You are going to have bumps and bruises. You are going to have strains and sprains. You are going to have aches that never go away and pains that never hear. These are both mental and physical. The public doesn't care if you get hurt. The patients don't care if you get hurt. Some of them are out there to hurt you. Some of them feel that you are working for the government and are out to get them. These are people that you never hear about until something bad happens, yet you come in contact with them all the time. 

My personal favorites are the people who know your job better than you do, and demand how to take care of the patient. They can't walk to the truck but they can do laps around the apartment. These are the people who swear they need oxygen when they are speaking in complete sentences. 

There is the joy of being bitched out by nurses. You are downplayed and assumed you know nothing of what you do and are incompetent. Those are my favorites because usually these are nurses that are directly out of nursing school. This is their first job and have never actually seen a patient, nor do they have any clue as to what we do. 

I must say that there are the times where you happen to be in the right place at the right time. You may receive an award or get your picture in the paper. This however is quickly followed by a great deal of ball breaking by your coworkers. Or the sad reality that you unknowingly broke a company policy that is so deeply buried in the stacks, that it took a coworker that has a hard on for you almost 2 shifts to find it. This usually lands you on the fast track right out the door, complete with your award. This forces you to avoid the spotlight at any and all costs, realizing it's better to be the sheep than blends in with the herd. 

You go in and go out day after day. You are viewed as just another body. You are considered disposable and just like any other job you are out there to make the company money. The mission is plain and simple, go where you are told.  Put your body through hell on a constant basis to the point you don't have an appetite. Twist, turn, bend, contort, and push yourself in ways that would make a personal trainer cry. Most brag about how much they bench or squat, and this makes me laugh. There's no workout for the 320 pound full blown, panicking, filled to the top CHF'er, that was drowning in their own lungs and flailing in a last ditch effort of survival. Yet we somehow managed to get him out if that rickety house and down those death trap stairs alive, and still perform life saving interventions. Not at any point of that call did I sit and worry about how much I was able to bench at that point. I know all too well I possess more strength and would love to watch them come attempt to do this every night. 

I've seen and experienced the human body face and perform under the most extreme conditions fueled on redbull, shitty coffee, and newports. Not kale, wheatgrass, and carrot juice. (Sadly there was a shortage of kale in our MRE's during sandy)

So as go over the pros and cons, I am still left without an answer. Do any of us like the job? The answer from most would probably be no. This is a imply because for many of us, this is a stepping stone. A foot in the door while we are waiting for a call to go somewhere else. There's not much of a pension and there is certainly no respect, from the job or the public. Ems are the forgotten, the step children, the ones that always just seem to be outside of the proverbial spotlight. We handle what the police don't want to, and what fire can't wait to get rid of. We work multiple jobs because one is never enough to pay the bills. But it doesn't explain what it is.

What is it that keeps us coming back for more? Why don't we just all say "fuck it" and quit? Why do we put up with the shit our jobs, patients, and union put us through? Some say that this job is a calling and to some it may. Some say it is gods work, going out and helping the weak and the lame. I don't think it's either. 

I think it's a a because we a separate type of human. A type of human who can't just turn away and give up. We don't have it in us to just give up and walk away. We are afraid to leave the people behind, we are afraid to leave each other behind. It's a bond that can't be placed into words. 

So as I stare at my Tupperware full of chili that is attempting to warm up on the dashboard, I continue to turn that question over in my head. It's a lot more than just a matter if you "like" your job or not. 

So girl why's you run away, you look so afraid...

As I sit in my ambulance listening to my partner rant about new workout as he sucks down a cigarette. I can't help but reflect on a genuinely awesome weekend that I had. Over the past few weeks I have been in a major rut that seemed almost impossible to get out of. This caused by overworking with non stop bullshit calls and never seeming to have enough cash in the bank account. However I was able to take a nice break from the normal. 

Friday I was able to partake in a tradition that I have participated in for several years. This is the event known as practice. The history behind practice is simple. Every year the Wallington fire dept hosts a St. Patricks day happy hour. Now we all know St pats is the Super Bowl of drinking. And similar to old saying of "how do you get to Carnegie hall?" That's right you have to practice practice practice! So as a result we have to practice before the big game. You don't want to get to the big game and be unprepared. So we practice, and boy do we. 

Warm ups usually start with few easy aerobic curls. Usually of 16 ounces and move up from there. As the night progresses everyone convinces the new guy to touch the pot above the bar. Once they touch the pot, the pot is filled with a fine whiskey or classy crown royal. The pot is a small metal pot no more than 10oz in size. A small amount of dish soap is put on the bar allowing a nice viscosity allowing the pot to spin. Where the handle points to has to drink from the pot. This goes on until the pot is empty.

As the weeks go on, you become more and more prepared for the big day. Unfortunately the big game doesn't compare to practices. A much better time is had at practice due to a smaller group of guys. My favorite aspect of practice may be because of the fact that my family, more importantly my mother, hates me during practice season. When I tell her that I will be attending she quickly rolls her eyes in a state of disgust. She knows all too well that I will be becoming belligerent and, come crawling back home making even less sense than normal. 

The morning after practice I continued the fun by partaking in the polar bear plunge. An annual event that raises money for the special Olympics and is run by the nj police benevolence association. 

For those who don't know, it is when a group of crazy asses muster up the liquid courage to jump Into the ocean in the winter months. For raising the money you are given a sweatshirt, the more you raise the more swag you are given. Things like robes and bags are sported by those who raised more money than you did. I tend to avoid these people because the are essentially the same popular people I avoided in high school. Everyone likes them and gives them their money. I was never one of those people.  

Unfortunately there were a few internal issues involving my team and I sadly did not receive my parting gift. Which is fine because I've never been one to do things just for the swag. 

Saturday night I had the opportunity to see one of my favorite bands, 6 years after their farewell tour. Being in the right place at the right time I was also able to get a picture with James. Always a great time seeing reggie and the full effect play and introducing new people to the experience that they provide. Not a bad night. 

The next morning I was introduced to southern nj eating at a place called, "shut up and eat". A place with all kinds of goofy shit on the wall and a menu that is pretty much anything under the sun(kinda like shenanigans). As you walk in you are greeted by a staff wearing pajamas. The place uses utensils and mismatched plates. Gives it that at home feel where nothing matches. I have to admit it was a very enjoyable experience. I was able to have meatloaf and eggs, which in my opinion is an absolute genius concept and something I plan on having often. 

This weekend was a nice break for the monotony that I have been going through. I also was given a refresher of old times and how much simpler that time was looking back on it now. You never really can tell how much you have accomplished or what you've done until you look back at where you were a few years ago. It brings everything into perspective. So for now I'll keep chopping along and see what everyday brings. Hopefully there are more good times like this. I really needed that change of pace. 

Let me tell y'all a story, about the burn out blues...

It's a feeling that is leaves you speechless and without words. Night after night of the same thing, the same stress, the same people, and the same nonsense. You hit the wall. You become overcome with this burden that takes all the wind out of your sails. It kills any motivation that you may have for anything. 

This phenomenon is called burnout and it happens all to often to first responders all over the country. It's the constant day in and day out of seeing the same thing. It's a feeling where the job you do literally takes control of your mind and body. 

Now while many are thinking that this is something that happens from seeing a great deal of horrific things is not true. That's PTSD. Burnout is when you fall into a slump from seeing the same thing. 

Allow me to break out an example. Where I work my full time job, it is a busy urban system. We see our fair share of frequent flyers. Now from time to time they are good for a laugh and everyone yucks it up. But as the nights go on and you are writing charts on the same heroin addict, who walks all over the city until she runs out of places to hide and score her fix, that she now calls 911 asking for a ride to the hospital. She doesn't have a complaint, She just wants to go to the hospital and lay in a bed. She wants a bed because it's warm. She has no medical problem. She's a drug addict. She ignores her other problems so that she may get her fix again the next day. She thinks it's funny and cute to pull this every night. But what about that bed she's taking up? That bed that could've been used for your family member or your loved one. But no, she's there. And she will be there every night because she knows she gets a turkey sandwich. Or it's the nights of picking up the child with a fever. Or the person with a toothache. 

Basic life support is certainly not a glory job, but nobody is willing to admit that they are the red headed step children of the medical system. The emt's are the grunts. They do the dirty work. They don't push drugs and they don't perform ekgs. They carry people and drive others from point a to the hospital. We are trained in basic life support which is exactly that, basic skills. They also master the skill of ambulance driver. Now it's not to say that I don't know some brilliant emts. I am a firm believer that you are only as good of a responder as you train to be. 

Where I work there is a sink or swim mentality. You will either know how to be a great EMT or your life will be hell for the extent you work at this job. I say job because it is impossible to make a career out of being an EMT. Working here you will know your protocols inside and out. You will know what patients will and will not benefit from advanced life support. You know this because you have to. There is no hand holding, there is no baby steps. You are thrown to the sharks and you better start kicking. 

The things I have seen will soon be trumped by a volunteer with 25 bullshit calls under their belt who has it all figured out. I personally enjoy hearing new emts (and sometimes kids who aren't even emts) tell war stories about how rough their night was doing 3 calls. Gosh darn! 3? How did you function the next day? It's things like this that add to the burn out. You have new people coming into this field with it a figured out before they even see their first patient. They lack education, they lack awareness, and it's these things that kill you. 

So on top of this, I've been faced with a lack of disrespect from nurses at a certain hospital. Normally I would sugar coat this but since it irked me to this point. I'm throwing it all out there. I am more that used to being treated with nothing but disrespect by nurses from Hackensack hospital. All my colleagues are all aware and prepared to be disrespected by the brand new nurses at this hospital who believe that if you are not a paramedic, that you have no idea what you are doing or talking about. I am proud to say the hospital that I work for, jersey city medical center, backs up and listens to what the emts say, because they understand that we have a slight clue as to what's going on. But I was shocked to take a patient to holy name hospital and be disrespected by a nurse there. The nurses there are generally so nice to the emts and don't give us attitude. With the exception of a nurse who continued to question my treatment of every patient and then proceeded to harp on my simple mistake when giving a report. I later find out that she is also a Hackensack nurse(shocking!). For some reason this just set me off. I break my ass doing this job with the rest of my colleagues and I'm aware that you don't know me from Adam, but I give you the professionalism and the respect you deserve, despite you acting like a four letter word that shares 3 of the 4 letters in the word "aunt". 

The emergency rooms also serve as a place of reunions. A place to shoot the shit with coworkers and even other towns. The funny thing about bullshitting here is that you need to watch what you say there. This incident a supervisor from one of my jobs decided to run his mouth to my coworkers at another job. It's great to hear that someone has a problem with you through the grape vine and doesn't have the balls to say it to my face. This drama just adds more fuel to the fire. 

You pile all of this shit together on top of working a 60+ hour week. You finally get to the point where you don't want to leave your bed. You can't eat. You can't sleep. You are just sick of everything and everyone. That is what burnout feels like. I joke when I say that I'm gonna hang up my ems career and find a job that I don't have to deal with people. I think I am going to paint roads or inspect tires. Yeah. I can see a life of tires in my future. As the judge says, "yeah well, the world needs ditch diggers too!"

Happy V-Day!!!

"Hard to know what's in your heart so, you're just looking to find. Part of what you're saying's not effecting on my soul or my mind."

These words are from one of my favorite songs from reggie and the full effect. If one were to follow this band they would see the ups and downs of emotions that come as a result of life and relationships. Needless to say this is that day of the year where everyone buys useless and meaningless shit for one another. It's a day that many forget the martyrdom that was performed by saint valentine. The man was tortured fighting in the name of his religion and for this we celebrate, have some chocolate. Then again we do this for Easter as well. Man is crucified, here's some chocolate and some plastic grass. 

This year I seem to be more bitter, more jaded, more I don't give a shit really. I didn't always used to be this way. I really didn't. I used to take care of the person I made my valentine. Flowers, getaways with fancy dinners, jewelry, all kinda of other happy horse shit. But this year there's none of that. I simply don't care.

I think part of it is because last year I gave everything I had to someone and they left me a few days later. I can't say it was a surprise. I could tell the wheels were falling off the cart. It is just a shitty feeling when you know the person you are in love with is slowly leaving you for another person. But you soldier on and keep up the game face. You don't want those around you to know how bad it is. And you certainly don't want the person who left you to know how it felt. That would be crazy talk. 

But I've soldiered on and I'm ready to move forward. Get back I'm the game coach. Despite wearing shoulder pads that don't fit and a helmet two sizes too big. It's that same feeling you get on your very first football practice as you see the largest player on your team running at you like a freight train engineered by a crystal meth tweaker. You feel you lack protection and that you are out in a world where nobody has your back when the excrement strikes the oscillator. (For those who are slow that means: "when the shit hits the fan"). 

The dating world is a scary place, Especially for guys. Everyone thinks it's such a simple task to just walk up to a woman and ask them out. Nooooooot at all my friend. You have one shot to make not only an outstanding impression that will separate you from every other douche in the bar, but leave a mark that will not land you in the dreaded, and in my opinion the only place comparable to the dmv, the friend zone.

For those who don't know about the friend zone, chances are you are in it. A gal will tell you everything like a boyfriend and turn to you for advice. This is only to constantly remind you that your like the best friend ever. They often don't know that they would do without you, and treat you as if you are one of the girlfriends. I know what they could do, they can go find someone else for that shit. Are there any benefits to this you may ask? No there isn't. Sadly it's just a shitty place to be. It's a lifetime of mixed signals until you wake up and say enough. 

So we go back to our dilemma of meeting a new person. Don't get me wrong it takes a lot for a woman to agree to talk to a person they just meet. Statistically a new person is probably a murderer or a rapist. So men already start the game with a strikes against them. 

What are we supposed to do now ya moron?  You could turn to the internet but that's a scary place to because anyone can be anyone on there. Between the show catfish and hearing others horror stories of people meeting people of the same sex, doesn't exactly help with taking that risk either. So where does this leave you? It leaves you in a place where you get to learn from your mistakes. Learning from our mistakes is the best way to learn. You experience first hand how difficult making it work really is. 

I can't help but wish to see these relationships that are jammed down your throat on Facebook end in a fiery crash. I know that I sound bitter with my ranting but it's my blog, so the rest of you can piss off. The mushy memes and the pic stitches really makes me want to bludgeon myself to death with a large piece of ice. All the I love you's and we are meant to be together memes are absolutely nauseating. Now this isn't because I was heartbroken or that I'm tremendously jaded. This is the part of me that enjoys watching people be miserable. The same part of me that enjoys watching someone blow an entire paycheck at the racetrack. It's nothing personal, I just have accepted that this is how the world works, and that bad things will always happen to good people. 

I love nothing more than also seeing valentines dates go down the shitter. Seeing pissed off people at the bar, dressed to the nines, and drowning their sorrows in their lukewarm beer. Deep in a text conversation with that guy that's in the friend-zone. Ahh the back to the friend-zone. Poor bastard. 

So here's to valentines day, and to those who are will have survived this day stronger than yesterday. Cheers. 

Do you smell snow?

There are very few things that hold value in this world anymore. Those who work in the public safety field, especially police and ems, realize the true value of a partner. But not just any partner, A quality partner. A partner is someone that you are paired with for 12 hours a night. That's half a day. Now some people think that's a chip shot. I can spend 12 hours with a person. And that may be true, but being stuck with the wrong partner in a tin can for 12 hours, less than 3 feet apart, the time can quickly become torture. 

A disagreement may start with something as simple as one partner having a bad day, questioning a medical decision, or that there is a lack of trust among both persons. Something that in this business can happen all too often. 

Now every once in a while you will come across two people that can work together seamlessly. I myself have had several partnerships, and with most they have had their fair share of ups and downs. Some people work with different people on a constant basis, and personally I could never do such a thing. 

But in my case I can't help but talk about the valuable friendship I have with a partner who doesn't work full time with me, but is a go to person. These are valuable assets to your organization. These people need to be treated as such, because morale is an important thing to have in your organization. When units are happy,the job gets done better. When the job gets done better, the company looks better and you then accomplish great things. 

With all of this being said, I'd like to speak about one of the greatest ass-ets that I have had the pleasure to work with. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you te animal known as Brian McGraw. 

Now just so we can all get a brief background on Brian, grew up in the middlesex/Monmouth county area. He was an avid athlete growing up. He absolutely loves his patriots and loves the Yankees. I can proudly I have had some of the best experiences of my life with him. I have seen concerts, I have been to Yankee games as well as having the honor to attend the pinstripe bowl with him. An all around great guy. This man will give you the shirt off his back and doesn't hesitate to back me up on any of my crazy missions at work. For that I thank him. 

Now at this point I'm sure you are all thinking, man he seems like a great guy! Right? Hold on to your hats. Things are about to go downhill really quick.

Working with Brian is an adventure within itself. Brian loves to try new foods with the exception of corned beef hash. To Brian this is the equivalent of alpo and it causes him to dry heave. However there have been many a trips to boulevard drinks. The most notable of these trips is the time I fumbled a chili cheese dog in the front of seat of the ambulance. As I fumble the mess of a meal similar to that of the famous Jason Seahorn playoff interception. Remember him? That guy that Angie Harmon ruined? Anyway, I start screaming "shit shit shit shit" loudly as I make the catch. In j biggz fashion I make the grab. We both rejoiced and bonded over hot dogs. 

Months ago I decided to call ourselves the a-team, minus the cool van. Managers at Jcmc and Monoc start to roll their eyes wen pairing us. But realize they have a rock solid unit.  

We tear it up at the arts center...

As well as the medical center...

The conversations that are had between us are nothing short of legendary. Some of the best topics that really make your mind think. Its questions like, do you ever wonder what exactly people are listening to when they are listening to their headphones? Or do you ever think that your wasted sperm have been the person to cure cancer or win the World Series? It's conversations like this that really spark some intellectual conversation. 

There are also times where we can have down to earth conversations about life, family, or that new Sarah Bareillis song that you play on repeat throughout the night but wouldn't dare tell anyone else. 

It's these things that are signs of a good partner. 

Brian was thrilled to see Uncle Tim...

There's nothing more hilarious than watching Brian's lack of a digestive system kick into overdrive on a moments notice. All will be quiet on the western front. Then before you know it, a quick "oh-no" will emit from the drivers seat, and it's off to the races. To happen once in a while would be one thing. But this is a nightly basis. He is a man child. But he can pick up what you put down. A straight shooter with quick wit. 

Now I'm sure most people are wondering why this tale is titled, do you smell snow? The answer to this is simple and a fun game to play with friends and enemies alike. Next time you are in a room or small enclosed area, proceed to pass gas. Then after allowing it to spread for a few seconds, proceed to ask, "do you smell snow?" This will trigger a natural instinct to take a deep whiff of the air as well as your flatulence. This trick also works well with the smell of popcorn. Everyone loves the smell of popcorn. Now it may seem childish but it is a go to laugh. 

It's hard to find someone who is just as willing to make a complete ass of themselves as you. But that is something to be valued and treasured. I know there are many people who share a partnership like this. One that you are friends not only at work, but have a blast hanging out after and outside of work. They say that you spend a vast majority of your life at work. Might as well spend it with someone that makes the shift fly by. Here's to you McGraw, and please having Hemingway call in the morning to apologize.