What a rough one...

As I sit in my bus waiting for the bell to ring, my head is filled with a shit ton of emotions that I don't know quite how to convey.

As many know, the fire service recently suffered an tremendous loss of Captain Barnas. A firefighters firefighter. The man made the job his life, and his determination to master the job is something that can never be matched. Over the last several days I have caught myself having minor breakdowns. I have worked at several fires with him and have attended numerous fundraisers and social events. No matter when you saw him, he always proudly donned a jersey city fire t shirt or job shirt, along with his captain ball cap. One notable thing, was that no matter how bad the circumstances, he would always greet you with a smile. 

I can say I had a better working relationship with him in jersey city. He was a captain who looked out for everyone, not just his guys. Despite the tension between jersey city fire dept and the medical center ems, he still had your back where other captains would turn away or make sly comments. Captain Barnas, unlike other captains, would always take the time to make the fire departments presence known and would assure every patient he saw, that they were in good hands with us at the MC. He was one of the few to offer a helping hand to the emts and would stick around on scene to make sure the newer emts were alright before leaving. Now to those reading this and that don't know the job, they don't understand the value that this has to those of us working the streets. 

When you are out there and doing, it's the little things that make all the difference. Currently moral is beginning to hit a lull. We are not hearing any news on our future and the troops are growing very tired. With a higher than normal call volume in what is usually the slower part of the year, One can only imagine how bad this may become once the busier part of the year approaches. Now as if the job didn't come with enough stress, there is even more on the horizon with a union that loves to stir shit, and a hospital that takes this out on the employees. Those who do not look out for others best interest are in charge and seek personal gain. It is something that I no longer wish to have my hard earned money go to such a poorly run organization. 

It's issues like this that have drove me to weigh out my options. Is it worth my time to stay in such an organization? Anyone who knows me, knows that I was aspiring for management and judging by the direction that the organization is going, that is something that won't happen for a long time. As I've witnessed time and time again, great employees become frustrated and leave before they are given a chance to change the norm. 

But I digress. As I attended the wake and funeral, you cannot help but be amazed at the efficiency that was shown by all agencies involved. The funeral procession was orchestrated in such an amazing fashion. The drummers dirge performed by multiple bands from all over the east coast was amazing. Witnessing dozens of pipers and drummers all walking with such sorrow and they alternated beats between one and the drummers had such a powerful effect. It was a truly a beautiful send off. 

I personally have taken a step back and realized that I have become quite distant from the dream job that I always had in sight. I've grown comfortable in my ems skin and let the fire in my life burnout due to drama caused by the wash women of my volunteer department. As with many things, the dinosaurs are going to hold back any form or progress by any means possible. But this is a topic within it's own. 

This is the way we get by. As a result of  all of these things I am going to be taking on a new job opportunity. One that will leave my budgets tighter than now and force me to work even more. But it's a foot in the door with the organization I've wanted to be a part of for more than a decade. This is going to present a great deal of challenges but it's something that I feel was offered for a reason. One thing that I learned recently. Is to never pass up an opportunity.