PMA

As I write this, I sit in a volunteer ems meeting: 

What a crazy time it has been. I have recently been faced with a catalyst in my life and it feels great. It was the sudden change up that I needed. I was going through a very rough patch of my life and things were all dark. I was dealt another set of blows that I just couldn't see myself the silver lining in the situation. I didn't care about my health, my appearance, I barely found the motivation to take on the day. I was a mess, a bigger train wreck than normal. 

Work was dealing even more blows with an increasing call volume. We were still hanging on and waiting for a contract agreement to know if we were still going to have jobs or not. Things weren't pretty. 

And then an amazing thing happened. In the most unlikely places and a drunk conversation completely turned things around. I was given a shake up. Someone essentially sat me down and said, "things are going to get better. Rough patches don't last forever. You're gonna get through this."

Now this was something that I have heard hundreds of times from loved ones and friends. But it doesn't mean that same. Coming from them, it sounds like the obligatory pep talk that they have to give you, because they are your family. But this was different. This was was raw emotion from someone that barely knew me and it was a short conversation (from what I remember). This was a slap in the face, a wake up call. 

Things began to snowball from there. I began to start living my life in a new and honest way. I started accepting myself for who I was and not how much I was making. I stopped stressing about things that normally stressed me out beyond belief. 

It was the introduction of PMA (positive mental attitude). I was finally able to let go of all my stress and fears. I was about to start being truthful and realize that it wasn't all as bad as I made it seem. And with the right person things all become much easier. 

We all know that I don't hold back. But after this change and breath of fresh air, I hold back even less than before. I don't sugar coat things and I call people out on who they really are.  Did I burn bridges is all of this? You bet your sweet ass I did. Did I lose friends along the way? You know it. 

I lost many friends along the way. Some that I have held very near and dear to my heart. I've found myself to have found something that has no price tag, and a some thing that can't be put into words. I am able to be myself for once, and not some actor because there was a worry about what others may think.  I am no longer having to hold my tongue or worry about what someone else was saying about me in a language that I didn't not understand. 

No more worrying if I am good enough. I've found someone that takes me for who I am. Flaws and all. Something with someone that allows me to be me. Someone who not only understands my fucked up sense of humor but enhances it into something better. 

The real kick in the dick, I found out of all this, is how those around me compliment me on how much of a difference they see in me. Which is kind of a one-two jab in the face. In one way, I'm glad they are happy for me. Or they are lying through their teeth. I may never know. The other card is a me thinking, "wtf? Why didn't you tell me that I have turned into such a shit head?" 

Either way, I turn around and reflect on PMA. Things can't stay bad forever. As long as I keep my head above the water, everything will work itself out. In fact things right now are pretty damn good. And it's about time...