Well as a matter of fact, I am.
Several weeks ago as part of my continuing education as a fire official, I participated in a recertification program titled "stress management". For those who read this blog, it's obvious that it was worth a shot. What could it hurt? I thought... What is there to lose? Plus it was free, so Why not?
Now I took an oath that what was said in the class would remain confidential, but I can certainly share my experience. There were some familiar faces and some new. The class was put on by a psychologist and a leadership company which I have had a fairly good learning experience from. So I kept an open mind going into this.
As the class begun, we were informed that first responders are now able to be diagnosed with PTSD, which was a big thing. Now police, firefighters, and EMT's can be classified with an anxiety and psychological diagnoses! Just what we would like to be labeled with. None of us in this industry or anyone in general wants to be labeled. But in the case of first responders, a label like that, immediately spins us into panic mode. A panic that we will no longer be fit for duty. A scary thing. Why? Because we worked very hard to be where we are. We love our jobs. We don't want to lose what we have. It's a underlying fear of seeing the things we see... That we will get labeled.
As the class chugged a long, there were people like myself willing to discuss some of their personal issues, and others that were not. Which is perfectly fine. I take pride in the fact that I am not afraid to say how I feel. I am also not afraid of others know about it.
Some interesting topics that I walked away with, was the notion that you're not alone. It was comforting to know that there were others who feel the same as me. There are other dispatchers who feel the stress of trying to get information from a person who is taking their last gasping breaths over the phone. Or the pit in your stomach when you are unable to get a hold of unit that is not answering their radio. The things that the public will never know.
Again, you aren't alone. There are plenty of others in this field who feel the same way that you do. And it's okay. I can say that I have felt lonely for a long time. Not in a sense that you are physically lonely, but emotionally. That nobody can relate to you and that you feel like an outsider. That you feel by yourself in a boat on the rough seas. After the class it was great to know that I was, in fact, not alone at all. And that many of us feel this way.
Many of those that are willing to open up, have a fear that the person listening won't understand what they are experiencing. I feel that our industry would greatly benefit from some "job specific" counsellors. Former and current police officers, firefighters, and EMT's that have experience and can better understand those who are looking to speak to others. I know there are some out there, but I think there is a need for more.
A notion in this line of work, is that you are the bravest of the brave and that you have to stay tough at all times. Which is not necessarily true. Bravery and being able to accept that you are human are two separate things. We all have a certain degree of bravery that we must accept on the job. We are going to see terrible and tragic things. We are going to break our asses on jobs we don't want to be on. We are going to be pushed to crazy limits, and then pushed a little further. It's a necessary evil of this work. But if there was one thing that I took away from the day, was that it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay to feel feelings. We are all humans, and we are supposed to to feel emotions whether we would like to or not. It's part of being a person. Yes, we put on our game faces, and we mask our thoughts. We use comedy as a crutch, As a means of temporarily putting a band aid on how we truly feel. It's okay to get back to the station and shed a tear after seeing something terrible. It's okay to talk about how shitty it feels sometimes.
The sadness comes even worse when we see how many first responders are taking their own lives. Several campaigns have started as a means of reaching out to help other first responders. Which is a great thing, but it's sadly a bit too late. For years those who were willing to open up and talk to someone about their emotions, were viewed as the weak. When in reality, they are the strong ones. They are willing to go against the norm and accept that they are human.
I learned that I am far from perfect and that I carry a large burden on my shoulders. My strong desire for success and my strive for excellence keeps me from appreciating what I have. I spend more time worrying about not being a failure that I don't take time to enjoy what's going on around me. It's something that I accept as an issue and am working towards fixing it.
I think as an industry of public safety professionals we all need to take the time to reach out to someone that we know may be going through a rough time. Take a second after you know that someone just had a bad call or a bad shift. Take a moment to list to them. Take a moment to see if they need anything. It could mean the world to them at that moment. If we start to take care of one another a bit more, we may be able to change the industry around.
It's okay to be human, you're not alone.
