(As I write this entry, I sit in my parent’s yard enjoying a
glass of Angel’s Envy whiskey and a cigar.
The weather is highly unseasonable
for December 12th.)
So here is sit taking in the world around me as I watch the
creeps of this ever changing neighborhood power walk past the house. With each
person, the dog goes absolutely batshit crazy at each one. Over the last
several weeks it has been a complete shit show of events. With my shoulder
injury, I have been going through a complete nightmare of trying to obtain some
type of normalcy. I have never been sidelined in a situation like this and I must
admit. It is a really shitty thing to go through. Having to spend the last
month being unable to work sets in really quick. Luckily for me, I don’t have
children at this time so I don’t have to worry about feeding more mouths other
than my own fat self, but it still pretty nerve wracking to wonder that if you
buy a sandwich, will you be able to make the credit card payment. Penny pinching
is an understatement.
What heightens this horrible feeling is that it falls at the
end of the year when everyone is supposed to be merry and in the Christmas spirit.
A spirit which I find to be a load of complete horseshit. As a child you yearn
for the idea of Christmas and receiving gifts, as you get older and you start
making money, you pride yourself on the fact that you can give others gifts
with the money that you had made all year. Then you start to hit a lull where
you really don’t give a shit about the holidays. For me, I would always combat
that by simply working on the holidays. This would keep with my personal flaw
of that if I am working, then I don’t have to handle the situation. I had
slipped down a path where I would use my line of work as a mask to hide from
family, friends, enemies, and situations that I would not want to or I was just
too afraid to take on. It was much easier to say that I had to work, and it was
an easy out. I can proudly say that I have moved past this part of my life, and
I realize that I pissed away some of the best years of my life. I wasted away
the precious hours and days of my life, by sitting on a street corner waiting to
chauffer the next drunk or PCP addict to a free bed. But I digress.
Today is an emotional day for me, a day where I usually
spend a good amount of time looking back on what I have (or have not)
accomplished over the last 12 months. I sit here as I watch a sunset to the
south quickly turn the sky a beautiful shade of orange tucked behind a façade of
blue and grey clouds. In a completely honest statement, the events over the
last year were a very big disappointment to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I
absolutely love the person I am with. I wonder on a daily basis why she even
puts up with me and my shit. She is a true saint. She has a heart bigger than
anyone I know and does the right thing. On top of her dealing with my shit, I
sit and watch her brave a smile day in and day out as the people around her try
her patience at every turn. She breaks her ass day in and day out and it kills
me to see some of the complete and utter bullshit she has to deal with on a
regular basis.
What hurts more about this injury is that it is going to
take that much longer to give her the life that I know her and I both deserve.
She has had such an outstanding effect on me and its one that is almost
impossible to put into words. It really is a rarity that you find someone who
you mesh with so well. Someone who understands your fucked up sense of humor
and can continue one of your asinine jokes and plays along with all your stupid
and embarrassing moments. It has killed me to see her so upset over the last
several months as she does her best to overcome the loss of a person who has always
been by her side. I often find it very hard to relate because I lost those who
were closest to me over 15 years ago. She will be okay, I try to tell her that
the first year and the first set of holidays are always the worst. It is a
shitty feeling, but we all eventually learn to cope. I just wish there is more
that I can do.
Over this last year, I have also seen some great
accomplishments from some close friends. I was asked to be a groomsman in my
best friend’s wedding. I couldn’t be more excited for my best friend and am
beyond excited for this new chapter of his life. He is marrying the girl that
he has been dating since high school, which is a cliché thing to hear that
someone is marrying their high school sweetheart almost 10 years after high
school. He also celebrated his first year of sobriety and I can do nothing but
give him praise for that. Not saying that I am an alcoholic, but the personal
willpower to be able to give up something that you enjoy and something so
predominant in society is something to be admired.
As for me, I was able to roll of a great deal of significant
blows dealt to me. I was denied a promotion that I had my heart set on more
than many people know. I was raised on the teaching of “hard work and
dedication” will always prevail. I thought that by breaking my ass and always
doing the right thing would allow me to move up the ladder, and unfortunately I
was mistake. And that is fine. I have moved past what had happened. I also had
the opportunity to be selected as a police officer recruit, and that didn’t work
out either. It’s a series of blows that have left me with a serious case of
failure, and a large bag of police gear that will probably never be used. But
on a positive note, I have a large duffel bag with my name on it, so I will get
through baggage claim sooner!
I along with everyone else all say, “Everything happens for
a reason”. Which is a nice way of saying “that really blows”. It is a quick
coping mechanism. Nobody knows why I happens, but for whatever reason it does. Every
year at this time, I always say that this year is going to be my year. With some fading hope that things will finally
work out for me. I gotta say that as I get older, I hope to finally achieve the
things I have been striving for. A person
can only take so much heartbreak and disappointment before he gives up. I would
like to think that I am showing a bold effort in remaining resilient throughout
this entire shit show.
I must admit that if I have to start from the bottom and
work my way to the top. That it at least be with something that I will enjoy
doing every day. Whatever that thing may be. Money and benefits are a great
thing. But one thing that I have realized throughout the latter part of the
year is that the people that I do have around me are those that I plan on
keeping from now on. I don’t need much else. I have a partner who I would give
the world (or what little I have left) for. I have a great group of friends who
back me up no matter what happens. I may not have the dream life that I was
hoping to have by now, but that is okay, everything happens for a reason. So here’s
to another year. Let’s hope that 27 works out.
