The life of leaving and a little less ambulance driving

In recent years, it has dawned on me that life is nothing more than one big gamble. We are faced with one of two things. We either settle for the safe bet where we know we are going to be okay. On the other side of the card, we leap and go for the wild bet. We put out chips down on the table and let the dealer decide. We don’t know the dealer, but we know that they directly and indirectly control the outcome of the situation you are in. Now when it comes to the type of gamble we take, some people will sit at a table for hours making lonely single dollar bets, while others will blow the wad in one hand and whatever happens, happens. So as I recently looked around, I decided that it was time for me to get up from the table. Take a walk around the casino of life and decide where I am going to make my next bet. Clearly the table that I sat and made my safe bets was no longer working out for me.

The metaphor above as many may have assumed was about a life change that I made recently. I chose to step down and resign from the employer that inspired this blog. It was also the same place that drove me to the point that I needed to start writing so I was no longer losing my mind. Over time I began to grow angry at the organization. I grew upset in seeing the direction it was heading. In recent months I took a dramatic step back. I was getting bad anxiety. I was no longer working with who were regarded as the best of the best in the EMS community, but more so brand new people. Now we can say we did this to ourselves. We developed a great field training program that I can proudly say, I was successful with my trainees, (with the exception of the one who almost killed me with his driving.) When I started my time there (I say my time like it was a prison sentence) you had a short period of time to prove that you could keep your head above the water, or that you were going to sink like a lead plated brick. Those days quickly disappeared. The place that I once knew, was no more. I slowly watched the list of people that I enjoyed working with slowly dwindle down to nothing.

Now I know that I am not without fault. I have my personal issues that I couldn’t seem to put aside. I watched a place use me for my talents, hard work ethic, and my dedication to accomplish tasks. Then once everything was completed, I was kinda left hanging. The worst feeling in the world. A feeling of failure comes across you. What did I do wrong? Did I do too much? Was severing the ties with my coworkers worth the end result? How big of an asshole do I look like now? All these thoughts going through my mind. In the meantime you need to put your “happy” face one while you carry on with what you are doing. This feeling only last for so long. You soon begin to ask yourself as to why you continue to put yourself through this nonsense.

A few weeks ago, I lost my uncle to an unclear cause at the young age of 39. 12 year older than me. Things began to click. I do some pretty risky things as is with my activities. Plus I don’t have the best habits in the world. Maybe it’s time I change things around. I made the decision to resign. A decision that would be best for me in the long run. In the recent months at my new job, I have realized how difficult it is for me to work a 70 hour week. Hell it’s hard for me to stay awake past 11 pm. The overnight grinds have seemed to leave me. I will admit, although this is a different feeling, it’s nice. It’s more than nice. It’s amazing! Knowing that I am going to get out of work every day at the same time, and that it’s not depending if my relief shows up, is a great feeling. Having government holidays is great. Although the pay is crap, I am learning a crazy amount and gaining knowledge in ways that I would never have before. I thoroughly enjoy my job as a fire inspector. I just wish I made more money than it does. Also, don’t get me wrong, I still work my per diem ems job on government holidays when the office is closed, still need that money.

Change is the hardest part of all this. I packed up all my memories (good and bad) into a box to be sent back to the place that I put the better years of my life into. That was the hardest part. The things that those uniforms experienced is something that will never go away. Yes you can wash them, but the experience never goes away. Those uniforms have seen triumph, they have seen blood, and they have seen tears! These uniforms have delivered children. These uniforms have delivered compressions into the chest of a person who has taken their final breath. Those uniforms were witness to some of the most trying and intense situations that people could never imagine seeing. Those uniforms understand exactly what you are seeing and feeling, they were there with you. Those uniforms have had countless pats on the back, as well as shots to the chest. And just like that, they were all folded up, and placed in a box, with a helmet that has seen its share of tragedy as well, and handed back into the window where you’ve checked in and out of shifts, each with their own tale to tell. The future of that is that those shirts will be handed to a new hire the same way that they were handed to myself. They will have a new name stitched on, and they will have their own stories to add to them. They will get their own tales of triumph and defeat. And eventually, the person wearing those shirts will make their safe bets and their risks. They will hopefully have more success than I did in the 5 years and 9 months than I did. I wish them all the best.

But after letting this off my chest, I feel better to take a small step back from EMS. It is a line of work that will beat the hell out of you. I invested my time, energy, and life into the fire service. I am glad to be putting my degree, certifications, dedication, demeanor, humility, and experience to work at my current job. I will play that card for now. I would rather struggle doing something I enjoy, than break my ass for a paycheck and a company who doesn’t care about me as a person. 

15 years....

To speak about the effects of 9/11 is nothing new. But it is something that I feel needs to be addressed due to upsetting thing that I see out of those who are new to the public safety field. 

Approximately a month prior to 9/11/01, I had a conversation with my parents that I wanted to become a professional firefighter as a career, and that I wanted to take my life in the direction of public service. This was instilled into me with the various community organizations my family was involved in. I would be a first generation in this field. I don't have any police or firefighter family members. I didn't have anyone coaching me through the steps. I went out and learned it all on my own. After 9/11 things took a major shift. Since I was 12 at the time, I was impacted greatly, while further driving my passion for this career despite the inherent risks. Immediately following the events, there was an outpouring of new faces to the emergency services. Many people from all types of backgrounds started to volunteer. (I myself included in this) As soon as I was old enough, I became an EMT at 17. Then I shopped around for an organization to join since I hardly knew anyone that served on the organization in my home town. 

I have said this before and I will say it again. I don't feel bad for the victims of these tragedies. I feel terrible for their families who are forced to face with memorials and remembrances after they have tried to move on. Being in such close proximity to Manhattan and working in cities that have lost large numbers during these events, a person cannot help but be reminded every day of the events that occurred that day. 

What happened after is something that I find alarming. I was encountering people who were my age or younger, and they were plastered in 9/11 memorial tattoos. 

This photo just really rubbed me the wrong way. Now I know that everyone heals differently and tragedy effects people in very different ways. I get that. In my time with the Jersey City medical center, I have crossed countless paths with survivors and victims’ alike. 

I have spoken first hand with people who worked the pile, people who responded, and people who collected patients off of ferries. All of them battle demons every day. And there is no bigger slap in the face than a kid who was in diapers the day their lives changed forever, showing off their "never forget" tattoo. Correct, we aren't kids anymore. However, sometimes you just need to know when to not say anything. 

The days of respect in this line of work has seemed to have slipped away. There is a sense of entitlement that younger generations are bringing with them into public safety. I recently came across a brand new employee who was denied employment twice. They then had the nerve, that once given the opportunity to work here, he then begins bad mouthing other paramedics. If you're so new that we don't know your name. Then you are too new to say something. If you don't like it, work at target. We have volunteer firefighters who blindly follow the lead of set forth by people with no regard for safety or policy. I have grown to be upset with these things and I hate that I bring this up at an emotionally difficult time. But as with most things in life, there's never a good time. This will probably rub a few rookies the wrong way. 

This may even irritate their new "ink". Again we all have our right to grieve. We also have our right to say what we feel. That’s what makes this country great. Trust me, In your future career, you will have your fair share of tragedy to respond to. You will soon be that senior person who despises the young person for acting like they were on the front lines. When the real truth is that they were 6 years old. 

the brutally honest cover letter

So this is because i really just don't care anymore. Cover letters are (in my opinion) just a sales pitch of yourself. So after the different letters I have written, I typed a brutally honest one. Maybe it will make its way out. Maybe it won't. Landing a job in the corporate world is a crap shoot, might as well roll the dice. Enjoy.

(There may be grammar errors, it was typed on a phone.)

Dear Employer,

The most difficult thing for an individual is to attempt to explain as why they are an ideal candidate without being able to speak to a person. However, I wish to explain as to why I am the ideal candidate for the position of _____________.(that's where the potential job goes). 

Throughout my professional and my time as a community volunteer, I have exemplified the idea of hard work and dedication. I am an employee that goes above and beyond for the company and the mission at hand. I accept no excuses, I take the blame when I fail to perform, or the mission is not completed in a successful manner. I am a firm believer in high quality customer service and that it is the number one priority of the organization to put those we serve at the forefront of our attention. In the public safety world, we tend to forget that those we serve are our customers. These hardworking individuals work tirelessly to pay the taxes that afford us the opportunity of employment. As a society we have gone too far away from the idea that we are here to serve our customers, and it can been seen by those who subscribe to services that many take for granted. It has been my goal and mission to reincorporate high quality customer service while safely and efficiently striving towards success.

I am able to keep my head and quickly prioritize the important of factors in stressful situations. This is a skill that I was able to refine during many mass casualty and large scale emergency incidents. I have learned to make the best of the situation, and how to utilize the resources afforded to me in the best ways possible for the given assignment and budget. I am a firm believer in building not only a working relationship, but a personal friendship with my colleagues and clients. Furthermore, I believe that we are only as strong as our network of resources, and that we need to maintain a strong group of “go-to” people. As humans we can never see what the future holds, but we can stock an effective tool box of resources to get us through whatever challenge presents itself.

My education and experience has be second to none. I feel that we can never be too prepared or too knowledgeable in a subject. I am a very quick and independent learner. Once acclimated, I require very little instruction or attention. There is something new to be learned about the world around us daily, and I encorporate that into my routine. I was raised and instructed by some of the most brilliant individuals this country has to offer. I am regularly attending seminars and classes to keep up with the constantly changing emergency and safety industries.

I have a very strong work ethic that can often be mistaken as intimidating. I do not make excuses and I work tirelessly to complete the task, while still maintaining a strong team work ethic. I believe that we succeed and fail as a team, and that no single person is responsible to the outcome of a situation. We are all in this together. In my time as a Field training officer and as a youth athletic coach, I take the mentoring of new faces to be a serious matter. New employees are an investment and they should be handled as such. I feel that the first few weeks of a new employee’s time with an organization are vital to that person’s talents and longevity within the ranks. If they are given the sense that they are not welcomed from the start, they will surely leave or not perform to their full potential. 

I will admit that I have made my share of mistakes. I will also admit that I have put too much faith, as well as given too much of myself to an employer and was taken advantage of. This experience has taught me a great deal about the real world, yet has not discouraged my loyalty to my employer. Along with my strict work ethic, I believe that work should be an enjoyable time. I like to keep the mood light while still working. It has been proven that happy employees are more driven for success than those who are disgruntled, and I look to keep things positive in the workplace. It takes a team of strong individuals to achieve that success and I feel that I am an asset to any organization that will give me the chance to prove myself to them. Give me the opportunity to apply my knowledge, hard work, and dedication to the team ad let's achieve success together. Thank you and I hope to speak with you soon. 

Sincerely,

Joseph Biggy Jr.

Applying the term, "man for others"

So it has dawned on me that it has been nearly 3 months since my last post. I recently started a new position that has proven to be nothing but a kick in the balls. In an attempt to get out of the ems world that had me so beaten down, sadly this has not allowed me to bounce back from the debt racked up as a result of my injury. I am not living life, just barely keeping my head above the water. 

One of the things that I learned when broken, is that I need to be more human. I struggled with finding a new full time job. After falling short many times I took a job with a local city as a fire inspector. Starting In a new city with new faces and people that I did not know at all. Anxiety immediately set in whether I would be able to get by here. However I took this opportunity as a new challenge and I felt that by doing this, I can focus my energy on something that didn't bite me in the ass (yet). I have learned more in the last 2 months about this line of work, than I have in the 6 years previously working in this field. With more knowledge and understanding also comes frustration in seeing the issues that need to be corrected. Sadly as the low man on the totem pole, you have no say. You bite your tongue and you deal with it. 

This was a big adjustment for me. It is hard for me to stand by and watch things happen. You're the new guy, you don't have a say in these matters. I can say I slightly miss working in a place where someone one would maybe listen to a new idea or a suggestion. Even though your idea would be told "it won't work". Then be used by another superior after they made your life a living hell to the point that you leave the organization (not that I have ever seen this happen). Yes, I enjoyed working the streets. Yes, I enjoyed directly helping other people. Yes, I miss the residents of Jersey City. I miss the colleagues I had. I miss working with my old partner Gill and the conversations shared behind warehouses at 3am. I miss cheering up coworkers during the hard times. 

I truly miss my conversations with Pat, and our brainstorming sessions in making the organization someplace great. I miss us speaking about ideas we had, that would improve the organization and morale, Just to be shot down. 

So after doing a great amount of soul searching and reading the writing on the wall. I have just become more upset in seeing how employers and employees work together. I can proudly say that I have worked alongside some of the most brilliant and amazing people in the world. And they are amazing assets to an organization. Yet I've watched employers push them away rather than harness their talents. Mostly because these bosses never take the time to know their employees and the talent they bring to the organization. It's sad to see an operation take place, and not know what is in your arsenal. And that is a crying shame. One thing that I have always done is to not just meet a new contact or colleague, but to learn something about them personally. Believe it or not, people like being treated like people. It's nice to just sit down and have a normal conversation at work. 

A big thing for me in the last few months has been customer service. Customer service is what drives our organization. In the emergency and municipal field, we feel that we are servants in a very cut and dry world. Yet to the public, it is often perceived that we are just taking the taxpayers money and have turned into terrible people while we sit in the ivory tower. Most of the time, public notion is that we go out of our way to make things difficult. There is nothing more upsetting, than seeing the public lose trust in those who are there to keep them safe. Unfortunately, I have been witness to a large number of public employees who use the statement, "it's not my job" or "I don't get paid to do that". 

These statements slay me. The reason why is because IT IS YOUR JOB!!! If you don't want to serve the public, don't work in the public field. Work in a mine, tar roofs, dig a ditch. Do not sit and stare at a person as they have a question directed at you, and tell him it's not your job and walk away. If you don't know the answer, ask someone who may. Show an interest in their problem, even if you don't care. Make them feel that their problem, is now your problem. You have an obligation to not only help, but to be a human. It goes a long way. 

Which goes back to my point of being a human. I have taken pride in turning around the image of an organization by simply being polite, asking if someone is helping them. If not, listen to their issue completely (not half assed, completely). If you can't help them, attempt to point them in the right direction. If they were able to figure out their problem in the beginning, they wouldn't be asking for your help. Don't be a jerk about it. 

We all have bad days. It happens. But as a professional you need to be able to bury the issue down. The customer doesn't care that you have been working harder than your coworker, they appreciate your help. The customer doesn't care about what is on your plate. You need to adapt and overcome the situation. Suck it up buttercup. 

You as an employee owe it to yourself and the people you serve to go above and beyond for them. If we as a society cannot move past the ignorant mindset of it not being your job, or that your boss does not pay you enough to do the right thing, we will never be able to move forward as a society. It is never too much work, to do the right thing. 

*** This rant was due to me being upset with the actions of those around me, despite always attempting to do the human thing. Falling back on that instilled teaching of being a man for others. ***

Do more of what makes you happy...

For the last few years I have been wearing the brand "Johnny cupcakes". I'm normally seen wearing the logo of a cupcake and crossbones. But more importantly than the logo on the chest, a phrase is written on the tag inside. It states, "Do more of what makes you happy." It's an amazing yet profound saying. Without knowing, you have inspiration on you at all times. Whatever that thing is that makes you happy, do more of it. 

It's seems asinine that it is so simple. Just do more of whatever it is. No shit do more of what makes me happy. Why would you do something if it makes you unhappy? Yet we all do. There are plenty of things that make us unhappy. Life in general is a huge bum out. Work sucks. Coworkers and workplace drama suck. Bills suck, being an adult sucks. It’s not all pub crawls and parties. It’s not numerous group selfies filled with half assed fake smiles. It’s not all nights ending up in a diner with memories of a life time.

The best way that I can describe trying to make it in your 20’s and as an adult, is that it is like weed whacking your yard. Everything is going smooth, until you hit that one hidden patch of dog shit, when then causes shit to go everywhere. All over the place, just shit everywhere. There is not a large quantity of shit. It is a lot of little pieces of shit that are now all over the place. That you spread. Your intent of getting the job done, ultimately just spread shit all over the place. That’s how life is in your 20’s and as an adult.

However, if you find that thing that makes you happy, it becomes a little less shitty. If it's listening to music, crank it up. If it's running, take an extra lap. If it's eat a piece of cake, have a slice! Maybe it's helping out your fellow man, or donating things you don't need to those that do? Maybe you find a new book and go on an adventure without leaving your chair? Maybe it's picking up the phone, or writing (yes, writing) an old friend a letter just to say how they impacted your life. (You would be amazed at the impact that has on a person)

Whatever that thing may be, just ensure that you will never let ANYONE tell you that it is wrong. This is your life and you need to figure this out on your own. You can kindly smile and nod at those offering advice. You can give a nice wide-eyed fake episode of shock that lets them think you feel sympathy for what they had to endure (despite it being bullshit). But you never ever let them tell you that what makes you happy is wrong! (Unless it is an illegal/criminal/or morally wrong thing.)

Now I know you are thinking, “But what do you do when you're unsure if it will make you happy?” “What if you know, without a doubt, you are very unhappy?” And that the “things that used to make you happy, no longer make you happy?” Maybe it was the job you made into your life, and it no longer makes you happy. Now what do you do? How do I know at 27 years old, what will make me happy? I want to see the world, climb a mountain, run a race, prove everyone wrong, lose 100 pounds, get on stage at open mic night, and leave an impact on the future... So many things I would like to do but how do I know it is something that will make me happy? 

You leap. 

You say "F-it" and you "F-Ing" leap!

You put all of your fears aside and you take the plunge. Life is a scary as shit place, with chances around every turn to screw it up forever (Rufus from Bill and Ted taught me that one). We as humans get caught up in the "what if's", and it is one of the greatest reasons we never go after our dreams. What if I fail? What if I screw this all up? What if I let everyone down? What if? What if? What if!

It is in this defining moment where you need to change "what if" into "so what?" So what if you screw it up, it was fun doing it. So what if you fail, you can said you accomplished one of your fears! I myself have had more than a shit time trying to find that thing that makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends. But for the last few wakes I feel completely alone while in a group of people. Hard to believe with my outgoing personality. 

(Fun fact, it's my way of coping with my social anxiety!)

But I've found that we can't be awkward and out of place forever. We have to find that new thing to makes you happy and run with it. 

Life is a real bastard that way. Later this week I am embarking on a new a job. But more importantly, I am making the change. It is the scariest thing in life, Changes. I am taking my leap. Finding and acting on that thing that makes me happy and doing more of it. If you never get out of your comfort zone, you will never know what else is out there. No more excuses, if it makes me happy, I'm going to do more of it. If it doesn't make me happy, I'm going to do less of it. So simple, yet so difficult. 

So here's to doing more of what makes us happy!

Confessions of the Uber Driver...

So for a brief period of my downward spiral, I had taken the plunge and became a driver for uber. This was one of the best and worst decisions of my life and it has taken me a while to muster up the courage to tell the tale of my plight. It was a cold December night when I had decided to sign up. Shifts at my per diem job had become scarce so I was left with few options of income since I was dealing with a broken wing.

The application process took all of 6 minutes, the background verification took about two days. Then you are ready to go. I spent the money to get my car cleaned and detailed. I must say, it never looked better. I get all set for a night that I would assume would be full of crazy stories and fun… And boy was I disappointed. I always knew taxi drivers were a miserable crowd. Those of us who have had the privilege of working EMS will understand that it is a shitty business to drive people from one place to another. Within the first few hours of driving my personal car into the ground for an average of $3-4 a trip, I realized that this was blood money.

The average uber trip in the northern New Jersey area is about $5 bucks, and is normally less than about 3 miles. Not bad for the rider, kind of shitty for the driver. When you sign up, you are drawn in with the advertisements of how you can make $1200 a week. This is true if you are always on duty and never decline a fare. For the rest of us attempting to live normal lives, it is not an easy feat. After putting in nearly 40 hours in one week, my take home (after uber gets their piece of your ass) was around 400 bucks. Soon after, I would consider a good day, if I made $100 bucks. There were not many good days.

The bad times began to outweigh the good. Before long, the courteous riders began to disappear, and the not so good riders began to step inside. Now going into this I had thought that I saw a great deal of horrific human beings. I am not speaking of trauma and amputations, but I speak of your overall train wreck of an individual. Here we go…

I had a backseat driver (which nothing is more infuriating than someone giving you directions to a place that you tell them you know how to get to) gave me directions only by using go-go bars and strip clubs as landmarks.

I picked up a local woman, who was under the influence and then proceeded to tell me how she works Monday through Friday as a teacher, and then chooses to party on the weekend. I happened to catch her on a day where she made $400 after performing oral sex on a local home improvement contractor. She also proceeded to inform me that it was not prostitution because she did not go to the home with the intent of collecting the money, it was given after. I mean, who am I to argue about a tip?

I drove many school children around and took numbers of sick, germ infested kids to school, while their parents sat on the front steps and waved goodbye.

I spent more time sitting in Newark traffic than I ever cared to do in my life.

After a short time, I managed to get a great deal on a new car. So I hit the road in my new car hoping that maybe the new car would bring me good luck with the uber passengers. Again I was wrong.

My first night on the road in the new car, the new car smell was quickly destroyed by a child to shit their pants in my back seat.

Then next night was ruined by a drunk girl and her friends who insisted on slamming my doors, until Justin Bieber was played on the radio.

I have had people not say a word to me, and others that would not shut the hell up.

I have had a few laughs, and made shitty tips.

Most importantly I have learned to combat the ever popular phrase, “hey you driver for uber? I need an uber right now!” To which I reply, No problem, open the app and request a driver, I’m off duty. This phrase pisses me off greater than, “thank you for your service”. There are other uber shit show stories that escape me at the moment, mostly because I didn’t find it cute or funny to deal with their antics. However, It is a decent way to make a quick buck if you have nothing to do or are in a jam. As for me, I think im going to take a breather from uber. After putting 4000 miles on my new car before the first payment, I’m not about the uber life so much.

Writing your own story...

(To start things off, I'd like to make the disclaimer that I am writing out of anger, sadness, stress, and fear. These emotions are completely honest and 100% from my heart. Some will say that I'm exposing too much of myself to those who read this, but one thing that I have adopted over the last several weeks is a passion of being a better human. So this will have vulgar language fueled completely by emotions. But it's been a while since I have written. So here goes...) 

So in the recent weeks we have all be aware that I have been battling insurance companies to finally get the MRI of my shoulder so I can figure out what I've done wrong. Good news! The MRI was clear aside for some fraying in my rotator cuff and that I will not require surgery. That's great news. Nobody wants to be hacked open and face months of rehab. I am currently doing a few more rounds of physical therapy. 

With that being said, I have been recently cleared to return to my jobs full duty. Thankfully I have been able to make a pretty good adjustment back to one of my old ems jobs. That I can honestly say, I really missed. 

On the other hand, one thing that has been driving me up the fucking wall. 

Things have not been the greatest for me as of late. On an emotional level, I am completely drained. I am running on empty like never before. I am going through periods that I can't eat for days, and other days that I binge. Today I started to notice that I have been losing more than a normal amount of hair, let's hear it for early baldness! I sleep like shit at best, this is my routine. 

I was recently shot down for a job that I interviewed for and this was just another blow in the last few weeks. But we continue to say that “everything happens for a reason.” I remain optimistic. I tell myself that this isn't forever and that this is only temporary. In the meantime, I drive for uber (which has its own series of war stories) in an effort to make some side money through this rough patch. I am barely breaking even but I can't complain. I could not have any way to make ends meet. So I'm very thankful that there is some type of money coming in.  

But the kicker in all of this is the people who are fairly close to me. These people in an effort to help have been offering advice. And although the deep down it is appreciated. I just need some time to work shit out. I just need to be able to take my life in a direction that is right for me. Not necessarily you. 

I was taken back by my former full time employer after my accident and I am very thankful for that opportunity. I help out when I can fit into a slot on the schedule the best that I can. However during this time, I seem to have coworkers that take it upon themselves to tell me what is in my best interest. Tell me that I need to go back to my old job on a full time basis despite the effects that it had on me mentally and physically. 

Now when I said effects, I'm literally having anxiety attacks in my car as I arrive. I spend my entire shift feeling out of place and unwanted. I have a strong feeling that I no longer belong and that I ass is constantly on the chopping block. Coworkers and superiors that I had a great relationship with prior to my police academy escapade, now walk past me like I don't exist. A truly rough position to be in a fairly short period of time. 

So I put a game face on every day. I smile and nod and I do my best to survive my shift and do my job to the best of my abilities. Honest and true. Because that's all I can do. I sit and hold my tongue as I watch superiors break policy and go out of their way to dodge the work load. I am in no place to call out my bosses on when they break the rules. It's not my job. I know my place in the food chain and I'm not going to lecture them on what they are doing wrong. Yet these are the ones who want to help me out by making comments like, "well you need money so you're not in a position to say anything" or "well we know you need the insurance."

Not so easy to digest. Again, in the past several weeks, I just do my best to be a fucking human. I do my best to do the right thing and help those who need it most. I am beyond thankful for those who have been able to lend a hand to me when I've needed it most. It just really kills me when you are doing your damnedest to get by and make ends meet, yet every which way you turn you are faced with another person who knows that is best for you, while they skate by stabbing others in the back. 

Today, I was offered $4 dollars from a colleague to remove snow from their car. Followed with a "well we all know you need the money..." No bigger kick in the balls than that. 

But she was right. I need the money. But you know what I want more than money? I want respect. I want to be treated like a human by my employer. I want to be treated like a person who poured his heart and soul into the organization. I want to be appreciated for my skills and what I bring to the table. I have broken my ass for many years to get to this point. And all I want is a place to call my own. A family that I made, a life that I can be proud of living. I shouldn't have to stress all day about going into work and who may now be out to get me. 

Nobody should have to live this way. It's no way to live. It's a load of BULLSHIT. But yet there are many of this who wake up and do it on a daily basis. For years, they waste their life and miss out on the best times with friends and family. It's a heart breaking reality. 

Unfortunately what is right for me, is not what is right for you. And what's right for me is not going to be right for the next guy. But that's the best part of life. We all get the chance to write our own story. We all face a series of comedies and tragedies. We have our ups and we have our downs. That's what makes us into who we are. 

Back in high school, our first day actually we were faced with a question by the principal. He said: "Men, over the next 4 years, I want you all to ask yourselves, how you want to be remembered?" And as we all sat in the St. Peter's college gymnasium, we all sat in white tuxedo jackets, we looked left, and we looked right. I sat in a room full of men who would go on to do brilliant things. Some I would see again. Others I never would again. And we were posed that same question. 

"How do we want to be remembered?" 

I want to be remembered as the guy who always did the right thing. I want to be remember as the guy who lived and honest life and did was best for himself, those he loved, strangers on the street, people I would never meet.

But what is important, is that I write the story. I need to do what is in my best interest. Even though that hard work and honesty didn't play out for me this time, that's life. It will happen again, and again, and again. But I'm writing my story, not yours.

So although I value your input greatly, I really just need to work through this rough patch the way I know how. Hard work, perseverance, and patience. I know that it may not being going according to your plan, but it's the fundamentals that I was raised on, and that will always prevail in the end. 

EMS operator 74...

What is the address of your emergency?

It’s a term that seems so second nature that you don’t feel it anymore. You don’t feel the weight that it holds. More importantly you don’t feel the assurance that it provides on the other end of the phone. As I type this, I sit inside a “high performance” dispatch center. I feel a sense of accomplishment because I successfully killed a roach earlier in the night. Atta boy. I look at the dispatch system as the minutes of the 12 hours slowly tick by. Not knowing when that phone is going to ring. But you know that it is going to.

From the street side of things. The dispatcher is the first to get blamed. We have all muttered the term “the fucking dispatchers…” then followed by some comment. I have done it several times. Even more so after I became a dispatcher. They are the first point of contact with the person that woke us up. Thus making them the problem. It was the dispatcher for drummed up the chest pain patient at 4am. It was also the dispatcher that decided you needed a work out, and 20+ minutes of CPR would be the perfect thing to get the blood flowing (no pun intended, but kinda). I’ve worked with some phenomenal and some not so phenomenal dispatchers. But it is one of the most thankless jobs on the earth.

More often than not, the dispatcher is really only brought to the public light when they have really screwed up, or happened to have answered the phone on some glory call. This is hoping that it was that one call where you were trying to eat dinner, our sneezing, or coughing, or laughing at the scenario that is being presented to you at the time. Public safety is a front row seat to the greatest show on earth, but dispatch holds the invite to the party. More often as time passed the dispatcher, call taker, telecommunicator becomes so jaded that it is hard for the stress to stick. Some are able to simply, not give a shit, and move on like nothing ever occurred. Others have to live with the fear of the unknown.

It is easy in the public safety world to work in the field. The biggest reason to this, you are able to use your senses to their full potential. In the dispatch world, not so much. On the streets, you can see what you are going into, you can hear if things are occurring, you can use your touch to change the outcome, and you can smell what may be a dangerous condition. In dispatch, the only smells you have are the farts of another person in the room, and your sense of hearing. That is it. You are forced to use your sense of sound to determine what exactly is going on there. In a best case scenario, a person will answer all of your questions and everything will go along with the script and all will be fine. However, it very rarely works out this way. More often than not. It is a complete shit show on the other end. And it’s your job to determine what the most critical issue, as well as send the appropriate help in a timely fashion. Simple things really.

The hardest part of this job for me, is the stress of the unknown. To me, it is 12 hours of playing a game of Russian roulette with a phone. Each time that it rings, there is no telling what is going to be on the other end. Is it a person who cannot breathe? Is it a child that fell off of their bike? Is it an intoxicated person sleeping? Is it someone who just witnessed their wife of 50 or more years say her final “I love you”? Is it a person that is down on their luck and does not want to be alone? Is it someone having the “big one”? The one thing to know, is that you never know what it is going to be. But you damn well better be ready, and you better sound like you know what you doing. The whole time, you are personally freaking out on the other end. We all have our moments of panic. That moment of, “what the hell am I supposed to do? This isn’t in the guide cards!” That moment where you cannot offer reassurance, because you cannot stray away from the cards. The moment were you want to say that help is on the way, but the line goes dead… just like that, the line goes to nothing.

A brief “hum” followed by a short “click”. The caller is no longer there. Are they okay? Did you get it right? Did you say the right things at the right time? Were you able to send the appropriate help? Are they going to be okay? Please god, tell me that they are going to be okay! Don’t let this be their last breath!

You don’t have much time to recover. A few short seconds later the phone rings again. You hear the family screaming in the background. You battle the caller who begins the interaction by screaming. “HURRY UP! YOU NEED TO HURRY! THEY JUST DROPPED AND NOW THEY ARE NOT BREATHING!” You immediately try to obtain an address, you can’t just send a unit to nowhere. You fight to verify an address so that you can get the help going. Your partner assigns the units to the job, Basics are rolling, and paramedics answer and acknowledge the job. The caller tells you that they are turning blue and breathing once every few seconds. You are going to have to instruct a person over the phone on how to perform CPR, a process that will seem to go on forever. The caller tells you that they cannot do it, they just can’t, that it is too much for them to handle. You need to reassure them that this is going to save their life. You now are faced with the task of making a complete stranger your eyes and ears at the worst possible moment of their life. Your blood is racing and you want to just hang up the phone and do it yourself.

But you can’t, that isn’t your job. You look at your deployment monitor, the units are moving. But not fast enough in your eyes, to you they are going to slow. They should have been there by now. It’s been 33 seconds. Dear god, it has only been 33 seconds. This feels like a lifetime and it has only been 33 seconds. You continue to provide instructions. “I need you to pump the chest hard and fast, hard and fast, hard and fast.” You hear the caller putting every ounce of energy into this and you can tell that you are changing their life, in a way they ever saw themselves changing at this very moment. You could a sequence of “1-2-3-4” over and over. You watch the counter on your console county up and down 600 times. “Where the fuck are these guys!” is the only thought as you continue to count. Your body syncs to the routine you are commanding over the phone. You give the caller reassurance that they are, “doing great” and “help is just down the street”.

Just then, it is a miracle, you hear the echo of your partners voice through the phone, the unit arrived. The caller tells you that help has arrived, you tell them that can disconnect and you hear that click. You take a second, you hear nothing. For that brief moment, it is just you, your mind, and the wonder. Did I do enough? Are they going to make it? Did I do well? Did I make the difference? Did I save the person? It is the fear of maybe never knowing. You may get the information. You may not. They may make it to the hospital, they may not. You don’t know. But what you do know, is that phone is going to ring again. And that you have no clue what is about to come your way.