Writing your own story...

(To start things off, I'd like to make the disclaimer that I am writing out of anger, sadness, stress, and fear. These emotions are completely honest and 100% from my heart. Some will say that I'm exposing too much of myself to those who read this, but one thing that I have adopted over the last several weeks is a passion of being a better human. So this will have vulgar language fueled completely by emotions. But it's been a while since I have written. So here goes...) 

So in the recent weeks we have all be aware that I have been battling insurance companies to finally get the MRI of my shoulder so I can figure out what I've done wrong. Good news! The MRI was clear aside for some fraying in my rotator cuff and that I will not require surgery. That's great news. Nobody wants to be hacked open and face months of rehab. I am currently doing a few more rounds of physical therapy. 

With that being said, I have been recently cleared to return to my jobs full duty. Thankfully I have been able to make a pretty good adjustment back to one of my old ems jobs. That I can honestly say, I really missed. 

On the other hand, one thing that has been driving me up the fucking wall. 

Things have not been the greatest for me as of late. On an emotional level, I am completely drained. I am running on empty like never before. I am going through periods that I can't eat for days, and other days that I binge. Today I started to notice that I have been losing more than a normal amount of hair, let's hear it for early baldness! I sleep like shit at best, this is my routine. 

I was recently shot down for a job that I interviewed for and this was just another blow in the last few weeks. But we continue to say that “everything happens for a reason.” I remain optimistic. I tell myself that this isn't forever and that this is only temporary. In the meantime, I drive for uber (which has its own series of war stories) in an effort to make some side money through this rough patch. I am barely breaking even but I can't complain. I could not have any way to make ends meet. So I'm very thankful that there is some type of money coming in.  

But the kicker in all of this is the people who are fairly close to me. These people in an effort to help have been offering advice. And although the deep down it is appreciated. I just need some time to work shit out. I just need to be able to take my life in a direction that is right for me. Not necessarily you. 

I was taken back by my former full time employer after my accident and I am very thankful for that opportunity. I help out when I can fit into a slot on the schedule the best that I can. However during this time, I seem to have coworkers that take it upon themselves to tell me what is in my best interest. Tell me that I need to go back to my old job on a full time basis despite the effects that it had on me mentally and physically. 

Now when I said effects, I'm literally having anxiety attacks in my car as I arrive. I spend my entire shift feeling out of place and unwanted. I have a strong feeling that I no longer belong and that I ass is constantly on the chopping block. Coworkers and superiors that I had a great relationship with prior to my police academy escapade, now walk past me like I don't exist. A truly rough position to be in a fairly short period of time. 

So I put a game face on every day. I smile and nod and I do my best to survive my shift and do my job to the best of my abilities. Honest and true. Because that's all I can do. I sit and hold my tongue as I watch superiors break policy and go out of their way to dodge the work load. I am in no place to call out my bosses on when they break the rules. It's not my job. I know my place in the food chain and I'm not going to lecture them on what they are doing wrong. Yet these are the ones who want to help me out by making comments like, "well you need money so you're not in a position to say anything" or "well we know you need the insurance."

Not so easy to digest. Again, in the past several weeks, I just do my best to be a fucking human. I do my best to do the right thing and help those who need it most. I am beyond thankful for those who have been able to lend a hand to me when I've needed it most. It just really kills me when you are doing your damnedest to get by and make ends meet, yet every which way you turn you are faced with another person who knows that is best for you, while they skate by stabbing others in the back. 

Today, I was offered $4 dollars from a colleague to remove snow from their car. Followed with a "well we all know you need the money..." No bigger kick in the balls than that. 

But she was right. I need the money. But you know what I want more than money? I want respect. I want to be treated like a human by my employer. I want to be treated like a person who poured his heart and soul into the organization. I want to be appreciated for my skills and what I bring to the table. I have broken my ass for many years to get to this point. And all I want is a place to call my own. A family that I made, a life that I can be proud of living. I shouldn't have to stress all day about going into work and who may now be out to get me. 

Nobody should have to live this way. It's no way to live. It's a load of BULLSHIT. But yet there are many of this who wake up and do it on a daily basis. For years, they waste their life and miss out on the best times with friends and family. It's a heart breaking reality. 

Unfortunately what is right for me, is not what is right for you. And what's right for me is not going to be right for the next guy. But that's the best part of life. We all get the chance to write our own story. We all face a series of comedies and tragedies. We have our ups and we have our downs. That's what makes us into who we are. 

Back in high school, our first day actually we were faced with a question by the principal. He said: "Men, over the next 4 years, I want you all to ask yourselves, how you want to be remembered?" And as we all sat in the St. Peter's college gymnasium, we all sat in white tuxedo jackets, we looked left, and we looked right. I sat in a room full of men who would go on to do brilliant things. Some I would see again. Others I never would again. And we were posed that same question. 

"How do we want to be remembered?" 

I want to be remembered as the guy who always did the right thing. I want to be remember as the guy who lived and honest life and did was best for himself, those he loved, strangers on the street, people I would never meet.

But what is important, is that I write the story. I need to do what is in my best interest. Even though that hard work and honesty didn't play out for me this time, that's life. It will happen again, and again, and again. But I'm writing my story, not yours.

So although I value your input greatly, I really just need to work through this rough patch the way I know how. Hard work, perseverance, and patience. I know that it may not being going according to your plan, but it's the fundamentals that I was raised on, and that will always prevail in the end.