Confessions of the Uber Driver...

So for a brief period of my downward spiral, I had taken the plunge and became a driver for uber. This was one of the best and worst decisions of my life and it has taken me a while to muster up the courage to tell the tale of my plight. It was a cold December night when I had decided to sign up. Shifts at my per diem job had become scarce so I was left with few options of income since I was dealing with a broken wing.

The application process took all of 6 minutes, the background verification took about two days. Then you are ready to go. I spent the money to get my car cleaned and detailed. I must say, it never looked better. I get all set for a night that I would assume would be full of crazy stories and fun… And boy was I disappointed. I always knew taxi drivers were a miserable crowd. Those of us who have had the privilege of working EMS will understand that it is a shitty business to drive people from one place to another. Within the first few hours of driving my personal car into the ground for an average of $3-4 a trip, I realized that this was blood money.

The average uber trip in the northern New Jersey area is about $5 bucks, and is normally less than about 3 miles. Not bad for the rider, kind of shitty for the driver. When you sign up, you are drawn in with the advertisements of how you can make $1200 a week. This is true if you are always on duty and never decline a fare. For the rest of us attempting to live normal lives, it is not an easy feat. After putting in nearly 40 hours in one week, my take home (after uber gets their piece of your ass) was around 400 bucks. Soon after, I would consider a good day, if I made $100 bucks. There were not many good days.

The bad times began to outweigh the good. Before long, the courteous riders began to disappear, and the not so good riders began to step inside. Now going into this I had thought that I saw a great deal of horrific human beings. I am not speaking of trauma and amputations, but I speak of your overall train wreck of an individual. Here we go…

I had a backseat driver (which nothing is more infuriating than someone giving you directions to a place that you tell them you know how to get to) gave me directions only by using go-go bars and strip clubs as landmarks.

I picked up a local woman, who was under the influence and then proceeded to tell me how she works Monday through Friday as a teacher, and then chooses to party on the weekend. I happened to catch her on a day where she made $400 after performing oral sex on a local home improvement contractor. She also proceeded to inform me that it was not prostitution because she did not go to the home with the intent of collecting the money, it was given after. I mean, who am I to argue about a tip?

I drove many school children around and took numbers of sick, germ infested kids to school, while their parents sat on the front steps and waved goodbye.

I spent more time sitting in Newark traffic than I ever cared to do in my life.

After a short time, I managed to get a great deal on a new car. So I hit the road in my new car hoping that maybe the new car would bring me good luck with the uber passengers. Again I was wrong.

My first night on the road in the new car, the new car smell was quickly destroyed by a child to shit their pants in my back seat.

Then next night was ruined by a drunk girl and her friends who insisted on slamming my doors, until Justin Bieber was played on the radio.

I have had people not say a word to me, and others that would not shut the hell up.

I have had a few laughs, and made shitty tips.

Most importantly I have learned to combat the ever popular phrase, “hey you driver for uber? I need an uber right now!” To which I reply, No problem, open the app and request a driver, I’m off duty. This phrase pisses me off greater than, “thank you for your service”. There are other uber shit show stories that escape me at the moment, mostly because I didn’t find it cute or funny to deal with their antics. However, It is a decent way to make a quick buck if you have nothing to do or are in a jam. As for me, I think im going to take a breather from uber. After putting 4000 miles on my new car before the first payment, I’m not about the uber life so much.