In recent years, it has dawned on me that life is nothing
more than one big gamble. We are faced with one of two things. We either settle
for the safe bet where we know we are going to be okay. On the other side of
the card, we leap and go for the wild bet. We put out chips down on the table
and let the dealer decide. We don’t know the dealer, but we know that they
directly and indirectly control the outcome of the situation you are in. Now
when it comes to the type of gamble we take, some people will sit at a table
for hours making lonely single dollar bets, while others will blow the wad in
one hand and whatever happens, happens. So as I recently looked around, I
decided that it was time for me to get up from the table. Take a walk around
the casino of life and decide where I am going to make my next bet. Clearly the
table that I sat and made my safe bets was no longer working out for me.
The metaphor above as many may have assumed was about a
life change that I made recently. I chose to step down and resign from the
employer that inspired this blog. It was also the same place that drove me to
the point that I needed to start writing so I was no longer losing my mind. Over
time I began to grow angry at the organization. I grew upset in seeing the direction
it was heading. In recent months I took a dramatic step back. I was getting bad
anxiety. I was no longer working with who were regarded as the best of the best
in the EMS community, but more so brand new people. Now we can say we did this
to ourselves. We developed a great field training program that I can proudly
say, I was successful with my trainees, (with the exception of the one who
almost killed me with his driving.) When I started my time there (I say my time
like it was a prison sentence) you had a short period of time to prove that you
could keep your head above the water, or that you were going to sink like a
lead plated brick. Those days quickly disappeared. The place that I once knew,
was no more. I slowly watched the list of people that I enjoyed working with
slowly dwindle down to nothing.
Now I know that I am not without fault. I have my
personal issues that I couldn’t seem to put aside. I watched a place use me for
my talents, hard work ethic, and my dedication to accomplish tasks. Then once
everything was completed, I was kinda left hanging. The worst feeling in the
world. A feeling of failure comes across you. What did I do wrong? Did I do too
much? Was severing the ties with my coworkers worth the end result? How big of
an asshole do I look like now? All these thoughts going through my mind. In the
meantime you need to put your “happy” face one while you carry on with what you
are doing. This feeling only last for so long. You soon begin to ask yourself
as to why you continue to put yourself through this nonsense.
A few weeks ago, I lost my uncle to an unclear cause at
the young age of 39. 12 year older than me. Things began to click. I do some
pretty risky things as is with my activities. Plus I don’t have the best habits
in the world. Maybe it’s time I change things around. I made the decision to
resign. A decision that would be best for me in the long run. In the recent
months at my new job, I have realized how difficult it is for me to work a 70
hour week. Hell it’s hard for me to stay awake past 11 pm. The overnight grinds
have seemed to leave me. I will admit, although this is a different feeling, it’s
nice. It’s more than nice. It’s amazing! Knowing that I am going to get out of
work every day at the same time, and that it’s not depending if my relief shows
up, is a great feeling. Having government holidays is great. Although the pay
is crap, I am learning a crazy amount and gaining knowledge in ways that I would
never have before. I thoroughly enjoy my job as a fire inspector. I just wish I
made more money than it does. Also, don’t get me wrong, I still work my per
diem ems job on government holidays when the office is closed, still need that
money.
Change is the hardest part of all this. I packed up all
my memories (good and bad) into a box to be sent back to the place that I put
the better years of my life into. That was the hardest part. The things that
those uniforms experienced is something that will never go away. Yes you can
wash them, but the experience never goes away. Those uniforms have seen
triumph, they have seen blood, and they have seen tears! These uniforms have
delivered children. These uniforms have delivered compressions into the chest
of a person who has taken their final breath. Those uniforms were witness to
some of the most trying and intense situations that people could never imagine
seeing. Those uniforms understand exactly what you are seeing and feeling, they
were there with you. Those uniforms have had countless pats on the back, as
well as shots to the chest. And just like that, they were all folded up, and
placed in a box, with a helmet that has seen its share of tragedy as well, and
handed back into the window where you’ve checked in and out of shifts, each
with their own tale to tell. The future of that is that those shirts will be
handed to a new hire the same way that they were handed to myself. They will
have a new name stitched on, and they will have their own stories to add to
them. They will get their own tales of triumph and defeat. And eventually, the
person wearing those shirts will make their safe bets and their risks. They
will hopefully have more success than I did in the 5 years and 9 months than I did.
I wish them all the best.
But after letting this off my chest, I feel better to
take a small step back from EMS. It is a line of work that will beat the hell
out of you. I invested my time, energy, and life into the fire service. I am
glad to be putting my degree, certifications, dedication, demeanor, humility,
and experience to work at my current job. I will play that card for now. I
would rather struggle doing something I enjoy, than break my ass for a paycheck
and a company who doesn’t care about me as a person.
